Friday!

I'm very glad today is Friday and that next week is only a 4 day work week. I really am happy when holidays fall on Friday's. It makes a nice long weekend.

Lately I've been thinking about seeing a doctor about anxiety/depression. I just can't shake all these horrible feelings. I get sad because my friends are busy doing stuff and are unavailable but when they call me I never really want to answer. The sound of my phone ringing sends me crazy. I know this comes from years of working in customer service and always dealing with customers or other employees that need something. So answering the phone makes me so anxious. On top of that I can't say no. I can be thinking no but no matter what I end up saying yes and then being miserable afterward.

In a way I don't want to have to admit to having a problem. Really though, it consumes me. I feel negative all the time and I see that negativity coming out in Connor. I've tried changing my ways but I just can't keep kidding myself.

On top of that I really hate taking any sort of pills. I'll be really good for a couple of weeks then I start to slack. That's the story of my life though. The only thing I haven't ever given up on is Connor and believe me at about 2 weeks and about 2 hours total of sleep I wanted to give up. This was something I just couldn't give up though. Thankfully! He has made me a better person.

I wonder what it's like to wake up in the morning with a smile on your face and a heart beaming with love. For me I wake up tired, sad, and for some reason I feel unloved. No matter how much love I am given by my husband and son it's just never enough. I hate feeling needy all the time.

Now I just have to get up the gumption to call up the doctor and have a chat with them. It would be great to feel human again.