Better?

I can finally feel the increase in my happy pills working. Things are getting back to "normal" around the house. I do believe that things will never get back to the normal I'm used to but this new normal isn't so bad after all.

I feel a lot closer to Tom lately which is great. Some days I feel like we are a brand new couple in a brand new relationship. Maybe this is what it's like to move on. You know things will never be they way they were, and that's okay, but at the same time things have to change before you move on.

Tom has been helping out around the house a little more than he usually does. I really hope that he continues being so helpful. Usually, he'll help out for a few weeks thing things go back to the way they were. Still that is okay as I know he works hard at work while I often get to sit at home and enjoy having my own schedule. The extra help is always accepted but as he should know by now I will never go out of my way to ask for help. If you see something that needs to be done, do it. That's my motto.

Connor never ceases to amaze me. When I was 5 I couldn't read, tell my left from right, nor did I understand the concept of adding and subtracting. These are all things I'm proud to say my son does. I would love to take credit for all these accomplishments but I can't. The kid learns when he is ready to. Sure, I've read tons of books to him, tried to work with him on phonics, but when he was ready is when he actually did all this. Every day his reading is getting better, and of course his math. The kid has adding and subtracting down pretty good (considering he's only 5) and wants to learn mulitplication. I really hope his love of learning continues through his life. He's truly an intelligent boy and I'm so proud to call him my son.

Now I need to work at getting off my ass and doing some exercise. I can feel the yearning to do it, but until the happy pills help me overcome my laziness I'm afriad all I'm going to be doing is looking at the treadmill. I really want to get on it, yet find so many excuses to not do it. I want to be a smaller person but why oh why can't I get motivated? I feel like all my problems in life come from all this extra luggage I'm carrying around. The second part of my problems was my life growing up. Being an only child living out in the middle of nowhere really secludes a girl. I don't even know what a good time is or how to do it. I'm terrified of meeting new people because no one "gets me." What's worse is that I don't get them either. I'm one of those people that could totally be a hermit, die in my house and not have anyone find me for a year. I could scream in the middle of a quiet room and no one would look at me. It's really weird going through your life being more of a shadow than a real loved person.

Ugh

Harsh

Lots of harsh words were said in my last entry. This is the only way I have to vent so somethings come off sounding a lot meaner than they should. Stupid pent up frustration. I'm happy to say that getting some of that off my chest made me feel much better.

Backstory

Lots of things have changed since my last post.

Tom and I started an open relationship. You know the fun kind of thing. We first started with meeting a fun couple who showed us a fun sight to post our own videos and pictures to. Through this time we met a few weird and interesting people. Life was good.

In October I planned a fun little party for my birthday with another dude and my hubby. I really hit it off with the new guy. Maybe I had started to fall in love with him. It had been such a long time since someone game me that sort of attention. The eye contact was amazing. We'd smoke and laugh and just have a great time. While this was going on I was tearing apart the heart of my husband. While this new man was fun to be around he was never someone I would see myself with. Any way things got weird between him and hubby, I made a mistake and told a secret. Looking back now it was all pretty silly but at the time it was a huge source of stress. I finally made a friend on my own and that friendship was ruined. Still I'd rather have it that way as I can only imagine myself with my hubby. He's my soul mate

Somewhere in there was some upgrades to Tom's servers at work. This made Tom extremely freaked out. When he goes into stress mode life can be very different for me. First he only speaks to me, when he wants to. All conversations go through me. Food is another weird thing. He's never hungry and when he is, two bites and he's done. Whats the point of cooking if I'm the only one doing it. Then the super projects. I get stuck with all the child rearing while other projects take center stage. To the point of him coming home and kissing his hobby before he acknowledges me.

Then I got him to realize he needed some help in the form of happy pills. Things were improving I thought. In the background he was really miserable at his jobs working environment. I don't blame him there and Kudos to him for dealing with that misery as long as he did. There was a meltdown, a hospital stay and an increase in happy pills. A huge increase.

It worked! I haven't seen him so chatty and happy. Yet, whenever there is an excess of one thing the opposite takes the center stage. After a few weeks I realized I was married to a Tom cat. My friendly loving husband was spending all his time texting women friends/people he'd like to fuck. I don't mind sharing but I think the person sharing should already be satisfied before the tom cat goes on the prowl.

The moment I was dreading most came. Hubby wanted solo sex with a girl out visiting with her friends. I granted it and you would have thought his pants were on fire to get out of here. He met up with her and their friends and had a great time partying. That night he came home after 4am on a work night. That is not at all like him. It took me a couple of days to ask if he had had sex with her. Why couldn't he have just told me about it after the fact. I find though this journey that there are lots of little secrets I will find out that will devastate my broken heart.

Okay so I had a slight relationship that went completely sour thanks to hubby chewing him out. Hubby is feeling great now and apologizes for ruining our friendship. To bad it was to far gone to salvage. Let's not forget the other women that are taking over his life texting him. For some reason I'm fine with the one chick. I'm not threatened by her at all. Steph on the other hand I'm still offended about. It all happened so fast and they are still really great friends. Yet again another pretty girl. Then M from work who is really hawt and another old friend L that likes to chat and tease.

Evenings are consumed texting. I try to play a little bubble birds and get grief like no ones business. Why is it always okay for him and not for me? That statement right there sums me up to a t. How come I didn't have a texting plan till I finally got a smart phone? Then after a few weeks of texting we get the biggest plan, with no concern about $$. We always do or get something after he thinks it's time. Maybe it's because I don't have a real job. I'm just a housewife/mother. You know what that really means?? Slave of the house.

Laundry, dishes, picking up, cooking and cleaning. This is what I do day in and day out. Every day, it doesn't matter if it's Christmas or a weekend I'm a slave to these chores. Most days I enjoy it but lately I don't want to do this stuff anymore. I want to discover myself. I know there is more to life than this every day crap I do.

Tom has promised that we will go out more. I truly hope so. Though I feel that some where $$ is going to be the issue again. Why take the old cow out when you can schmooze the young calves. A week or two ago I removed my wedding band. I put it back on sooner than I would have wanted to. I should have waited to see more progress. Still in the back of my mind I feel there are secrets that haven't quite come out. Hubby uses the I forgot line a lot, I used to believe it, but I don't any more. I think he saves things so they won't hurt me, but it ends up hurting me worse in the long run. How can someone say they love me so much but turn around and hurt me time after time?

A lot of thoughts have swirled through my head lately. While the easiest way out is the quickest, it's not really in the best interest of my family. I've thought about spending some time with my parents but I'd have to bring my son along too. I really want time to heal solo but I know that will not come.

For now, I put on a happy face while inside I'm bleeding. I haven't been in this much turmoil in my entire life. Everytime I think it's over a new chapter begins.