Well, it seems the Celexa and the recent visits from the sun have really made me feel "happy" lately. My doctor had mentioned adding exercise to my medication but until recently I haven't felt "able" to exercise. Lucky thing the sun came out and reminded me that exercise can be fun.
Let's see, last week we had sunny days Thurs-Sat. I spent a lot of time working on the yard. Tom and I managed to get some moss out on the front lawn and I dilligently pulled dandelions. I got 2 5 gallon buckets of them out of the front yard alone! I really wish our neighbors could keep up their lawns so that we could slow down the production of those little nasty plants. Yesterday I pulled weeds in our major planting area which wraps from the front of the house around to the back side of the house. That's a lot of area. I also made two walking trips to Safeway for groceries I had missed during the week. It felt so good getting out and walking around and breathing in fresh (pollinated) air. Now if I can just get on the treadmill on the rainy days I would be set.
Another big thing I'm trying to do is cut out the soda pop. I'm still guzzling my sugar infused coffee but seriously, I think there is less sugar in the coffee than the soda. The afternoons have been really long with some major cravings but I've been able to push them aside and drink water instead. The last few sodas I have drank left me with a sick feeling in my stomach so I feel that my body was really trying to tell me something. Hopefully in a month the scale will be my friend and start going down instead of up. Of course I've sat around all winter getting fat so I'm sure I'm going to gain a few building muscle before the fat melts off some.
Looking forward to this weekend. Friday night is Mexican nite at Dustins. OMG, that man can cook like no ones business. We were over on Saturday night enjoying a lasagna party for his birthday. I'm hoping we can leave Connor with a sitter that night so we all can enjoy being "adults" without little ears around. Hopefully that means that Sonja will have a sitter for her son. I already have one lined up but if she can't find one then I will bring Connor so her son will have someone to play with. Man, I'm so lucky that Connor gets along well with older kids.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Better?
I can finally feel the increase in my happy pills working. Things are getting back to "normal" around the house. I do believe that things will never get back to the normal I'm used to but this new normal isn't so bad after all.
I feel a lot closer to Tom lately which is great. Some days I feel like we are a brand new couple in a brand new relationship. Maybe this is what it's like to move on. You know things will never be they way they were, and that's okay, but at the same time things have to change before you move on.
Tom has been helping out around the house a little more than he usually does. I really hope that he continues being so helpful. Usually, he'll help out for a few weeks thing things go back to the way they were. Still that is okay as I know he works hard at work while I often get to sit at home and enjoy having my own schedule. The extra help is always accepted but as he should know by now I will never go out of my way to ask for help. If you see something that needs to be done, do it. That's my motto.
Connor never ceases to amaze me. When I was 5 I couldn't read, tell my left from right, nor did I understand the concept of adding and subtracting. These are all things I'm proud to say my son does. I would love to take credit for all these accomplishments but I can't. The kid learns when he is ready to. Sure, I've read tons of books to him, tried to work with him on phonics, but when he was ready is when he actually did all this. Every day his reading is getting better, and of course his math. The kid has adding and subtracting down pretty good (considering he's only 5) and wants to learn mulitplication. I really hope his love of learning continues through his life. He's truly an intelligent boy and I'm so proud to call him my son.
Now I need to work at getting off my ass and doing some exercise. I can feel the yearning to do it, but until the happy pills help me overcome my laziness I'm afriad all I'm going to be doing is looking at the treadmill. I really want to get on it, yet find so many excuses to not do it. I want to be a smaller person but why oh why can't I get motivated? I feel like all my problems in life come from all this extra luggage I'm carrying around. The second part of my problems was my life growing up. Being an only child living out in the middle of nowhere really secludes a girl. I don't even know what a good time is or how to do it. I'm terrified of meeting new people because no one "gets me." What's worse is that I don't get them either. I'm one of those people that could totally be a hermit, die in my house and not have anyone find me for a year. I could scream in the middle of a quiet room and no one would look at me. It's really weird going through your life being more of a shadow than a real loved person.
Ugh
I feel a lot closer to Tom lately which is great. Some days I feel like we are a brand new couple in a brand new relationship. Maybe this is what it's like to move on. You know things will never be they way they were, and that's okay, but at the same time things have to change before you move on.
Tom has been helping out around the house a little more than he usually does. I really hope that he continues being so helpful. Usually, he'll help out for a few weeks thing things go back to the way they were. Still that is okay as I know he works hard at work while I often get to sit at home and enjoy having my own schedule. The extra help is always accepted but as he should know by now I will never go out of my way to ask for help. If you see something that needs to be done, do it. That's my motto.
Connor never ceases to amaze me. When I was 5 I couldn't read, tell my left from right, nor did I understand the concept of adding and subtracting. These are all things I'm proud to say my son does. I would love to take credit for all these accomplishments but I can't. The kid learns when he is ready to. Sure, I've read tons of books to him, tried to work with him on phonics, but when he was ready is when he actually did all this. Every day his reading is getting better, and of course his math. The kid has adding and subtracting down pretty good (considering he's only 5) and wants to learn mulitplication. I really hope his love of learning continues through his life. He's truly an intelligent boy and I'm so proud to call him my son.
Now I need to work at getting off my ass and doing some exercise. I can feel the yearning to do it, but until the happy pills help me overcome my laziness I'm afriad all I'm going to be doing is looking at the treadmill. I really want to get on it, yet find so many excuses to not do it. I want to be a smaller person but why oh why can't I get motivated? I feel like all my problems in life come from all this extra luggage I'm carrying around. The second part of my problems was my life growing up. Being an only child living out in the middle of nowhere really secludes a girl. I don't even know what a good time is or how to do it. I'm terrified of meeting new people because no one "gets me." What's worse is that I don't get them either. I'm one of those people that could totally be a hermit, die in my house and not have anyone find me for a year. I could scream in the middle of a quiet room and no one would look at me. It's really weird going through your life being more of a shadow than a real loved person.
Ugh
Monday, March 21, 2011
Harsh
Lots of harsh words were said in my last entry. This is the only way I have to vent so somethings come off sounding a lot meaner than they should. Stupid pent up frustration. I'm happy to say that getting some of that off my chest made me feel much better.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Backstory
Lots of things have changed since my last post.
Tom and I started an open relationship. You know the fun kind of thing. We first started with meeting a fun couple who showed us a fun sight to post our own videos and pictures to. Through this time we met a few weird and interesting people. Life was good.
In October I planned a fun little party for my birthday with another dude and my hubby. I really hit it off with the new guy. Maybe I had started to fall in love with him. It had been such a long time since someone game me that sort of attention. The eye contact was amazing. We'd smoke and laugh and just have a great time. While this was going on I was tearing apart the heart of my husband. While this new man was fun to be around he was never someone I would see myself with. Any way things got weird between him and hubby, I made a mistake and told a secret. Looking back now it was all pretty silly but at the time it was a huge source of stress. I finally made a friend on my own and that friendship was ruined. Still I'd rather have it that way as I can only imagine myself with my hubby. He's my soul mate
Somewhere in there was some upgrades to Tom's servers at work. This made Tom extremely freaked out. When he goes into stress mode life can be very different for me. First he only speaks to me, when he wants to. All conversations go through me. Food is another weird thing. He's never hungry and when he is, two bites and he's done. Whats the point of cooking if I'm the only one doing it. Then the super projects. I get stuck with all the child rearing while other projects take center stage. To the point of him coming home and kissing his hobby before he acknowledges me.
Then I got him to realize he needed some help in the form of happy pills. Things were improving I thought. In the background he was really miserable at his jobs working environment. I don't blame him there and Kudos to him for dealing with that misery as long as he did. There was a meltdown, a hospital stay and an increase in happy pills. A huge increase.
It worked! I haven't seen him so chatty and happy. Yet, whenever there is an excess of one thing the opposite takes the center stage. After a few weeks I realized I was married to a Tom cat. My friendly loving husband was spending all his time texting women friends/people he'd like to fuck. I don't mind sharing but I think the person sharing should already be satisfied before the tom cat goes on the prowl.
The moment I was dreading most came. Hubby wanted solo sex with a girl out visiting with her friends. I granted it and you would have thought his pants were on fire to get out of here. He met up with her and their friends and had a great time partying. That night he came home after 4am on a work night. That is not at all like him. It took me a couple of days to ask if he had had sex with her. Why couldn't he have just told me about it after the fact. I find though this journey that there are lots of little secrets I will find out that will devastate my broken heart.
Okay so I had a slight relationship that went completely sour thanks to hubby chewing him out. Hubby is feeling great now and apologizes for ruining our friendship. To bad it was to far gone to salvage. Let's not forget the other women that are taking over his life texting him. For some reason I'm fine with the one chick. I'm not threatened by her at all. Steph on the other hand I'm still offended about. It all happened so fast and they are still really great friends. Yet again another pretty girl. Then M from work who is really hawt and another old friend L that likes to chat and tease.
Evenings are consumed texting. I try to play a little bubble birds and get grief like no ones business. Why is it always okay for him and not for me? That statement right there sums me up to a t. How come I didn't have a texting plan till I finally got a smart phone? Then after a few weeks of texting we get the biggest plan, with no concern about $$. We always do or get something after he thinks it's time. Maybe it's because I don't have a real job. I'm just a housewife/mother. You know what that really means?? Slave of the house.
Laundry, dishes, picking up, cooking and cleaning. This is what I do day in and day out. Every day, it doesn't matter if it's Christmas or a weekend I'm a slave to these chores. Most days I enjoy it but lately I don't want to do this stuff anymore. I want to discover myself. I know there is more to life than this every day crap I do.
Tom has promised that we will go out more. I truly hope so. Though I feel that some where $$ is going to be the issue again. Why take the old cow out when you can schmooze the young calves. A week or two ago I removed my wedding band. I put it back on sooner than I would have wanted to. I should have waited to see more progress. Still in the back of my mind I feel there are secrets that haven't quite come out. Hubby uses the I forgot line a lot, I used to believe it, but I don't any more. I think he saves things so they won't hurt me, but it ends up hurting me worse in the long run. How can someone say they love me so much but turn around and hurt me time after time?
A lot of thoughts have swirled through my head lately. While the easiest way out is the quickest, it's not really in the best interest of my family. I've thought about spending some time with my parents but I'd have to bring my son along too. I really want time to heal solo but I know that will not come.
For now, I put on a happy face while inside I'm bleeding. I haven't been in this much turmoil in my entire life. Everytime I think it's over a new chapter begins.
Tom and I started an open relationship. You know the fun kind of thing. We first started with meeting a fun couple who showed us a fun sight to post our own videos and pictures to. Through this time we met a few weird and interesting people. Life was good.
In October I planned a fun little party for my birthday with another dude and my hubby. I really hit it off with the new guy. Maybe I had started to fall in love with him. It had been such a long time since someone game me that sort of attention. The eye contact was amazing. We'd smoke and laugh and just have a great time. While this was going on I was tearing apart the heart of my husband. While this new man was fun to be around he was never someone I would see myself with. Any way things got weird between him and hubby, I made a mistake and told a secret. Looking back now it was all pretty silly but at the time it was a huge source of stress. I finally made a friend on my own and that friendship was ruined. Still I'd rather have it that way as I can only imagine myself with my hubby. He's my soul mate
Somewhere in there was some upgrades to Tom's servers at work. This made Tom extremely freaked out. When he goes into stress mode life can be very different for me. First he only speaks to me, when he wants to. All conversations go through me. Food is another weird thing. He's never hungry and when he is, two bites and he's done. Whats the point of cooking if I'm the only one doing it. Then the super projects. I get stuck with all the child rearing while other projects take center stage. To the point of him coming home and kissing his hobby before he acknowledges me.
Then I got him to realize he needed some help in the form of happy pills. Things were improving I thought. In the background he was really miserable at his jobs working environment. I don't blame him there and Kudos to him for dealing with that misery as long as he did. There was a meltdown, a hospital stay and an increase in happy pills. A huge increase.
It worked! I haven't seen him so chatty and happy. Yet, whenever there is an excess of one thing the opposite takes the center stage. After a few weeks I realized I was married to a Tom cat. My friendly loving husband was spending all his time texting women friends/people he'd like to fuck. I don't mind sharing but I think the person sharing should already be satisfied before the tom cat goes on the prowl.
The moment I was dreading most came. Hubby wanted solo sex with a girl out visiting with her friends. I granted it and you would have thought his pants were on fire to get out of here. He met up with her and their friends and had a great time partying. That night he came home after 4am on a work night. That is not at all like him. It took me a couple of days to ask if he had had sex with her. Why couldn't he have just told me about it after the fact. I find though this journey that there are lots of little secrets I will find out that will devastate my broken heart.
Okay so I had a slight relationship that went completely sour thanks to hubby chewing him out. Hubby is feeling great now and apologizes for ruining our friendship. To bad it was to far gone to salvage. Let's not forget the other women that are taking over his life texting him. For some reason I'm fine with the one chick. I'm not threatened by her at all. Steph on the other hand I'm still offended about. It all happened so fast and they are still really great friends. Yet again another pretty girl. Then M from work who is really hawt and another old friend L that likes to chat and tease.
Evenings are consumed texting. I try to play a little bubble birds and get grief like no ones business. Why is it always okay for him and not for me? That statement right there sums me up to a t. How come I didn't have a texting plan till I finally got a smart phone? Then after a few weeks of texting we get the biggest plan, with no concern about $$. We always do or get something after he thinks it's time. Maybe it's because I don't have a real job. I'm just a housewife/mother. You know what that really means?? Slave of the house.
Laundry, dishes, picking up, cooking and cleaning. This is what I do day in and day out. Every day, it doesn't matter if it's Christmas or a weekend I'm a slave to these chores. Most days I enjoy it but lately I don't want to do this stuff anymore. I want to discover myself. I know there is more to life than this every day crap I do.
Tom has promised that we will go out more. I truly hope so. Though I feel that some where $$ is going to be the issue again. Why take the old cow out when you can schmooze the young calves. A week or two ago I removed my wedding band. I put it back on sooner than I would have wanted to. I should have waited to see more progress. Still in the back of my mind I feel there are secrets that haven't quite come out. Hubby uses the I forgot line a lot, I used to believe it, but I don't any more. I think he saves things so they won't hurt me, but it ends up hurting me worse in the long run. How can someone say they love me so much but turn around and hurt me time after time?
A lot of thoughts have swirled through my head lately. While the easiest way out is the quickest, it's not really in the best interest of my family. I've thought about spending some time with my parents but I'd have to bring my son along too. I really want time to heal solo but I know that will not come.
For now, I put on a happy face while inside I'm bleeding. I haven't been in this much turmoil in my entire life. Everytime I think it's over a new chapter begins.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
TV issues
I am a prisoner to having to watch shit on tv. Here is my dilemma, during they day my son only wants to watch cartoons, and in the evening my hubby wants to watch what he finds interesting. That leaves me yearning for shows that make me feel good. I do record some shows that I like but when do I find time to watch them? Now a days I can sneak in a 30 minute show while Connor plays on his computer but anything longer than that is miserable for me.
I knew becoming a mom would mean a lot of scarifices for me. I knew that I'd have lack of communications with other adults and would have a much rougher life than if I had continued to work and not have kids. I never realized that I would have to give up a lot of tv. I love sitcoms, shows that make you laugh, and more than anything reality shows. Connor has classified anything with adults in it as the news. My hubby is a sci-fi, do it yourself sort of tv watcher. Don't get me wrong I enjoy those shows too but after awhile I yearn for stuff I like.
Here is where my biggest dilemma comes into play. Connor talks through everything I enjoy so I end up missed 85% of what is going on. This is extremely difficult when it's a reality show. Hubby only wants to watch what he likes and if he doesn't like it he either gets up and uses his computer or fiddles with his phone through what I like. I've become rather bitchy over tv lately. I end up watching shows I dislike or bore me.
I have choices though. I could get up and go to the bedroom to watch what I want. Then I have to sit in a cold room and risk falling asleep. Also there is no DVR in there so if I miss something that's it there's no going back. I could get up and use my computer too. I've resorted to that a few times. I used to get grief for leaving but I've found that if I stay in the same room I can avoid some of the grief. However, I don't think I would survive the grief if I got up and went to another room. Part of making sure our son is in bed early is for us to have some time together. I also could just force hubby to watch what I like and risk having to sit all alone and watch it by myself.
Recently, my hubby has been working on a project in the evening and it's allowing me about an hour to watch what I want or do what I want. I've caught up on some shows but still feel extremely lonely. I wonder if this is just the way it's going to be for the rest of my life of if things will ever change. If this is my biggest problem in life then I'm pretty lucky. Things could really be a lot worse. I just hope that someday I can find happiness in tv again.
I knew becoming a mom would mean a lot of scarifices for me. I knew that I'd have lack of communications with other adults and would have a much rougher life than if I had continued to work and not have kids. I never realized that I would have to give up a lot of tv. I love sitcoms, shows that make you laugh, and more than anything reality shows. Connor has classified anything with adults in it as the news. My hubby is a sci-fi, do it yourself sort of tv watcher. Don't get me wrong I enjoy those shows too but after awhile I yearn for stuff I like.
Here is where my biggest dilemma comes into play. Connor talks through everything I enjoy so I end up missed 85% of what is going on. This is extremely difficult when it's a reality show. Hubby only wants to watch what he likes and if he doesn't like it he either gets up and uses his computer or fiddles with his phone through what I like. I've become rather bitchy over tv lately. I end up watching shows I dislike or bore me.
I have choices though. I could get up and go to the bedroom to watch what I want. Then I have to sit in a cold room and risk falling asleep. Also there is no DVR in there so if I miss something that's it there's no going back. I could get up and use my computer too. I've resorted to that a few times. I used to get grief for leaving but I've found that if I stay in the same room I can avoid some of the grief. However, I don't think I would survive the grief if I got up and went to another room. Part of making sure our son is in bed early is for us to have some time together. I also could just force hubby to watch what I like and risk having to sit all alone and watch it by myself.
Recently, my hubby has been working on a project in the evening and it's allowing me about an hour to watch what I want or do what I want. I've caught up on some shows but still feel extremely lonely. I wonder if this is just the way it's going to be for the rest of my life of if things will ever change. If this is my biggest problem in life then I'm pretty lucky. Things could really be a lot worse. I just hope that someday I can find happiness in tv again.
The best moment
I had a very cool thing happen to me a couple of days ago.
Connor and I were headed to a friends house and we stopped at the store along the way to pick up a snack. Of course I had to answer about 50 questions as to why we were stopping at the store instead of heading straight over to his friends house. I had forgotten to tell him that we would be making a quick stop. It's funny how being spontaneous around a toddler will only make them ask a million questions. I hope some day he can learn the joy of being spontaneous.
So we made many trips around the bakery department looking over all the yummy treats. I decided on an apple cream pastry of some sort. By the way is was super tasty. Connor spotted Cheetos and wanted to get those because they are his friends favorite. He wanted puffs but I talked him into the crunchy ones. We then head to the front.
My least favorite part of any shopping trip is waiting in line. There were two ladies chatting with each other when I got up there and only one register open. One of the ladies gets out of line but continues to chit chat with the lady ahead of me. That was super awkward as I kept stepping in front of her to put stuff on the conveyor belt. This is where Connor starts piping in with his alphabet. For some reason he gets jumbled around L,M,N, O, P and leaves out M. I corrected him and the lady in front of us is super impressed with him. (She looked like Elvira to me. Dressed in black, black hair, black eye liner on her saggy lids. Over all I'd give her a 10 on the scare o meter). Of course after hearing how cool he is Connor pipes in with his numbers. Lucky for me "Elvira" and the checker are talking about how smart he is because Connor skipped quite a few numbers between 12 and 20.
Elvira paid and left and told me how cool he was. She was impressed that he learned all that from me and so was the checker. The checker asked if I read to my son and I told her that I read to him all the time. She probably told me 4 or 5 times what a great job I was doing. I was shocked to have 2 complete strangers tell me what a great job I'm doing. Of course I think my kid is awesome, I'm his mom and every mom feels that way about their little ones. My hubby says the same thing sometimes but I feel that he should say that. Otherwise I'll be mad and no one wants to be around me when I'm mad.
I really wanted to brag to my friends when I got Sheila's. I decided it would be better to not say a thing. Connor is older than his other friends so I expect he should be able to do things before his friends. One of his friends is struggling with language and I know how jealous (I really couldn't' think of a better word. It's not a bad jealousy.) that his mom gets. I bit my tongue and didn't brag. Deep down though I wonder what they do think of Connor and the way I'm raising him. Okay, really I only want to hear the good things.
I know my mom and dad are impressed and so is some of our other family members. Elaine has no problem telling me that I'm doing a good job. She used to be a school teacher so hearing that from her always lifts my spirit.
So for one day I on top of the world. I was glad I remembered to share the story with my hubby because together we have raised an amazing little man. We can proudly tell the world that he have taught our kid everything he knows and we are the most blessed parents in the universe.
Connor and I were headed to a friends house and we stopped at the store along the way to pick up a snack. Of course I had to answer about 50 questions as to why we were stopping at the store instead of heading straight over to his friends house. I had forgotten to tell him that we would be making a quick stop. It's funny how being spontaneous around a toddler will only make them ask a million questions. I hope some day he can learn the joy of being spontaneous.
So we made many trips around the bakery department looking over all the yummy treats. I decided on an apple cream pastry of some sort. By the way is was super tasty. Connor spotted Cheetos and wanted to get those because they are his friends favorite. He wanted puffs but I talked him into the crunchy ones. We then head to the front.
My least favorite part of any shopping trip is waiting in line. There were two ladies chatting with each other when I got up there and only one register open. One of the ladies gets out of line but continues to chit chat with the lady ahead of me. That was super awkward as I kept stepping in front of her to put stuff on the conveyor belt. This is where Connor starts piping in with his alphabet. For some reason he gets jumbled around L,M,N, O, P and leaves out M. I corrected him and the lady in front of us is super impressed with him. (She looked like Elvira to me. Dressed in black, black hair, black eye liner on her saggy lids. Over all I'd give her a 10 on the scare o meter). Of course after hearing how cool he is Connor pipes in with his numbers. Lucky for me "Elvira" and the checker are talking about how smart he is because Connor skipped quite a few numbers between 12 and 20.
Elvira paid and left and told me how cool he was. She was impressed that he learned all that from me and so was the checker. The checker asked if I read to my son and I told her that I read to him all the time. She probably told me 4 or 5 times what a great job I was doing. I was shocked to have 2 complete strangers tell me what a great job I'm doing. Of course I think my kid is awesome, I'm his mom and every mom feels that way about their little ones. My hubby says the same thing sometimes but I feel that he should say that. Otherwise I'll be mad and no one wants to be around me when I'm mad.
I really wanted to brag to my friends when I got Sheila's. I decided it would be better to not say a thing. Connor is older than his other friends so I expect he should be able to do things before his friends. One of his friends is struggling with language and I know how jealous (I really couldn't' think of a better word. It's not a bad jealousy.) that his mom gets. I bit my tongue and didn't brag. Deep down though I wonder what they do think of Connor and the way I'm raising him. Okay, really I only want to hear the good things.
I know my mom and dad are impressed and so is some of our other family members. Elaine has no problem telling me that I'm doing a good job. She used to be a school teacher so hearing that from her always lifts my spirit.
So for one day I on top of the world. I was glad I remembered to share the story with my hubby because together we have raised an amazing little man. We can proudly tell the world that he have taught our kid everything he knows and we are the most blessed parents in the universe.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
winter depression
It's started. I can feel it. Every year the NW weather makes me feel so down. The lack of sunshine and being stuck indoors wears on me quickly.
It starts with paranoia. I was looking at some friends facebook pages today and noticed lots of fun cheery comments from an ex best friend. While I'm excited that my friends are still friends with her it tears me up at the same time. I don't think I will ever be able to get over what happened. It was completely my fault and I hate myself for it. The biggest problem is that I was just being me.
I'm probably the only person in the world that actually hates her self. I hate my weight, my attitude, everything even my hair color. I try really hard to be as perfect as possible but everything I do backfires. Perfection is wasted on me. The harder I try the more anxious I get and the quicker I screw something up. I have a loud blabber mouth and don't know what to shut the fuck up. I hate talking on the phone and get nervous going out with friends. Why would anyone even want to be my friend? I feel like I'm struggling to keep the friends I have and at times I don't want to have friends at all. It's almost like I would like to go through life unnoticed.
What's worse is seeing my son act just like me. I can only hope that he is able to learn how not to be like me. I would hate to have him feel the way I do at times.
How does one person make a friend? I feel so narrow minded around other people. How do you start a conversation? Unless someone starts talking to me first I have no idea what to say or do. People probably think I'm a grump or just anti social. Really, I'm dying that someone is going to talk to me and that they are going to think I'm stupid. In the end I go home not really talking to anyone and just watching life happen from the side lines.
This has been a struggle I've had all my life. I'm sure I'm going to feel this way all my life and I will probably die alone and unnoticed. The only person I have to blame for this is myself. At times I wonder if my childhood brought this on. I grew up on a ranch with no siblings and no other kids around. My mom was always busy with ranch stuff so I had to spend a lot of time entertaining myself. Every time I get to feeling this way I blame my parents for the way I turned out. Who knows maybe it is their fault for not making a better effort of socializing me, maybe this is just who I am. I think at this stage of life that I am to old to change much. Never really having a best friend growing up never taught me the value of friendship. I've always had to be my own cheerleader and I'm tired of rooting for a 30 year old grump loser.
It starts with paranoia. I was looking at some friends facebook pages today and noticed lots of fun cheery comments from an ex best friend. While I'm excited that my friends are still friends with her it tears me up at the same time. I don't think I will ever be able to get over what happened. It was completely my fault and I hate myself for it. The biggest problem is that I was just being me.
I'm probably the only person in the world that actually hates her self. I hate my weight, my attitude, everything even my hair color. I try really hard to be as perfect as possible but everything I do backfires. Perfection is wasted on me. The harder I try the more anxious I get and the quicker I screw something up. I have a loud blabber mouth and don't know what to shut the fuck up. I hate talking on the phone and get nervous going out with friends. Why would anyone even want to be my friend? I feel like I'm struggling to keep the friends I have and at times I don't want to have friends at all. It's almost like I would like to go through life unnoticed.
What's worse is seeing my son act just like me. I can only hope that he is able to learn how not to be like me. I would hate to have him feel the way I do at times.
How does one person make a friend? I feel so narrow minded around other people. How do you start a conversation? Unless someone starts talking to me first I have no idea what to say or do. People probably think I'm a grump or just anti social. Really, I'm dying that someone is going to talk to me and that they are going to think I'm stupid. In the end I go home not really talking to anyone and just watching life happen from the side lines.
This has been a struggle I've had all my life. I'm sure I'm going to feel this way all my life and I will probably die alone and unnoticed. The only person I have to blame for this is myself. At times I wonder if my childhood brought this on. I grew up on a ranch with no siblings and no other kids around. My mom was always busy with ranch stuff so I had to spend a lot of time entertaining myself. Every time I get to feeling this way I blame my parents for the way I turned out. Who knows maybe it is their fault for not making a better effort of socializing me, maybe this is just who I am. I think at this stage of life that I am to old to change much. Never really having a best friend growing up never taught me the value of friendship. I've always had to be my own cheerleader and I'm tired of rooting for a 30 year old grump loser.
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